Decentering Romance

What does it mean to decenter romance? This is a question I have been asking myself for the past two years. For so much of my life romance has dictated so many of my decisions and has been such a primary focus in my life. I finally reached a point where I had enough. I have spent so much of my life putting a lot of energy into one area of life and where had it gotten me? Divorced and disappointed with every man I encountered. And one day I finally let myself sit with the feeling I had been avoiding since I was a little girl…loneliness.

Once I allowed myself to embrace this feeling and face my present reality, I felt such freedom. And I realized that it was not being alone that I was afraid of, I was actually afraid of being responsible for my own happiness. For most of my life I had been waiting on prince charming to rescue me from a life of misery. But I realized that I could no longer wait on someone else to rescue me, I instead needed to create a life I did not need rescuing from.

And this, is what brought me to decentering romance. I never intended to remove romance from my life, I just wanted to focus on building up all of the other aspects of my life. I no longer wanted to get lost in my romantic relationships, nor focus all of my energy on acquiring or maintaining them. Here are some things I stopped doing and started doing

I stopped delaying experiences while waiting on a partner

I used to find myself bookmarking a location or a trip and saving it for a moment when I was in a relationship. On my journey of decentering romance, I allowed myself to start planning these trips, outings and adventures solo, with friends, family or even my child. I did not have to press pause on fun experiences until I was in a romantic relationship.

And this can go beyond experiences as I also would consider delaying goals until I am married or in a serious relationship. Milestones like buying a house, etc. And while some things like buying a home are easier partnered, I can also allow myself to explore the possibilities of doing these things on my own.

I stopped allowing romantic relationships to meet so many of my needs

Decentering romance does not mean that you have to stop dating at all. But one thing I found to be very important was finding balance. In the past I relied on my romantic partner to meet so many of my needs, most of them in fact. And when they could not do this, I found myself consistently disappointed. We often have unrealistic expectations for romantic partners. We want them to be our best friend, therapist, personal trainer, chef, travel partner, financial advisor and spiritual counselor. This is a lot of pressure to put on one person, so I started allowing different people to meet different needs which was so freeing.

Also, as a woman who dates men, I often find that they struggle to meet some of my emotional needs. I am not advocating for settling with getting none of your emotional needs met in your romantic relationships, but I am saying that it may be a losing battle to expect to get all of your emotional needs met. Every partner has their limitations, they have strengths and weaknesses. And while I do expect to be able to share my feelings with him, I know that sometimes there is an itch that only my friends can scratch. Which is why my next point is so important.

I started putting more effort into creating and maintaining non-romantic relationships

Previously, I would invest so much time and energy into my romantic relationships that my other relationships would fail. Then I would find myself single and trying to rebuild my friendships. I started to make my other relationships (including family) a priority whether single or partnered. ALL relationships take work, not just romantic relationships.

I also had a “come to Jesus” moment with myself. I realized that I had no problem investing time and energy into repairing a romantic relationship, but I had all these gripes about putting in effort to repair my friendships. I would be so willing to throw a friendship away if I felt slighted, but would spend hours going back and forth with a romantic partner. We should not take abuse or mistreatment from anyone, but sometimes we have to give our friends a bit of grace and space to be human. Sometimes we think friendships should just be easy, but they will take some work. And they are just as important to invest in as our romantic relationships. By allowing myself to invest more in these relationships, I had less energy to give to obsessing over my love life.

I started dating myself

Now, I know you probably hear people talking about this all of the time and at this point its become a bit cliche. But it’s not as cheesy as it sounds, it’s just spending quality time with yourself. Now notice the emphasis on quality. I am obviously with myself all of the time, but I made an effort to carve out time to be intentional and do things that I enjoy. This is something I did a lot at home, but I also started taking myself out. I realized that I did not have to wait on someone else’s availability. There are so many things you can do by yourself, but I think what is most important is learning to truly love and appreciate this alone time. Loneliness is a feeling that I have desperately tried to avoid, and I have never succeeded. Because I have found myself lonely while married, lonely while in a relationship, lonely while having a lovely family and lonely while having tons of friends. Lonely is a feeling, one that can surely come and go and there is honestly no way to truly avoid it. Once I stopped running and actually made an intentional effort to enjoy my own company, I was able to tolerate the feeling so much better whenever it did come.

Final thoughts

This not so much of a how to guide but an exploration of my own journey. Being the diehard feminist that I am, these are not easy things for me to admit. I have often experienced a lot of internal conflict and shame about my deep romantic desires. This process of decentering romance has also allowed me to face these desires without shaming myself. Now that I am truly honest with myself about how I really feel, I can do the work. And while I find these ideas to be important to my life right now, none of this is set in stone as I am just starting to explore this concept and how it makes sense for my life. I encourage you to do the same.

I will be sharing more thoughts on this topic, but thought this was a good place to start. -Mahogany