Holding Space
Holding space, you may have heard this term thrown around on the internet and you may have wondered “what does that even mean”? But seriously, what does it mean?
Holding space is sitting with someone and creating a safe space for them to experience their emotions. You do not need to be a therapist, a guru or have a degree in psychology in order to hold space for someone. You just need a fair amount of empathy and some learned skills to help you along the way. I will share with you three essential aspects of holding space in order to help you build that tool box.
Pain, at its core, is an isolating force—wrapping its tendrils around our vulnerabilities, distancing us from the world, and urging us to navigate the labyrinth of suffering alone.
Why is holding space important?
None of us like to feel pain and it is truly hard to sit with someone else while they are experiencing pain. So to avoid this discomfort we tend to try and make our loved ones feel better through encouragement or distraction. And while our intentions are usually good, the result is often our loved one feeling invalidated, unsupported and even more isolated than before. Feeling emotional pain can be an isolating experience. It can be hard to verbalize or truly articulate the emotions we are feeling. Additionally, feelings are subjective and honestly can someone else ever fully understand my subjective experience? These factors, amongst others can cause us to withdraw and decline to share our emotional pain with others. The truth is, we do need each other, especially in those moments of darkness. But in order to make this a less isolating experience, we need someone to sit with us in this darkness. Where we can unmask, show our true self, and still feel accepted. This is why holding space is important. As much as I hate to admit it, acceptance is an important aspect of our human experience. And someone sitting with you in your most vulnerable state is the purest form of acceptance.
How do you hold space for someone?
Active Listening. One major aspect of holding space involves good listening skills. Good listening skills involve more than just hearing and understanding. It is showing the other person that you hear and understand them. Active listening involves verbal and non verbal acknowledgment that you are tuned in to what the person is saying. Non verbal acknowledgement includes things like leaning in to the other person, making eye contact, and nodding your head. Active listening also involves the following verbal skills:
summarizing: a condensed version of what they just said
paraphrasing: rephrasing what they just said in your own language
clarifying: making sure you understand what they just said
The above tools not only show that you are listening, but allow you to truly seek understanding. This can leave your loved one feeling heard and understood. Using these tools can also help you to feel less awkward in those moments when you truly don’t know what to say.
Withhold giving advice. While we want the best for our loved ones and sometimes we feel that we can see what they cannot in those dark moments. It is very important to withhold giving advice. In our most vulnerable moments, we are often not looking for solutions anyways. We want to feel heard, understood and have a safe space to experience our emotions. I am not saying that we should never give advice but there is a time and a place. And we should definitely not lead with it and hold off on giving any advice until we are certain that our loved one is open to receiving. The best thing you can do is work to truly understand what your friend is feeling and allow them the choice to receive advice.
Not only is it important to not lead with advice, it is important to ask if advice is desired. By simply saying, “can I share something with you” or “would you like advice or do you want me to listen”? You are allowing your loved one to have choice and you make sure that you are showing up for them in the way that they need you to.
Don’t try to make them feel better. The biggest mistake we make when trying to hold space for others is immediately trying to make them feel better. No, it is not wrong to try and encourage the people we care about. But doing this too soon can be detrimental to you being a safe space for someone. While it may be uncomfortable to see someone you care about in pain, they need to be able to experience their feelings. So the best thing you can do is use those active listening skills and validate their emotions. By not immediately jumping to make them feel better, you are showing them that it is okay to feel their feelings and you are also showing them that they do not have to do it alone.
Now that I have shared these tools with you, I hope that you find them helpful and doable. And that you can use them with those that you care about in an effort to create more safe spaces in the world. In our darkest moments, it's not always about someone turning on the light. What we truly need is someone willing to sit with us in the darkness.